Grief

This is how I'm doing...

I've been thinking a lot. I've been thinking about how I've dealt with everything, how it's changed me and how it's changed my relationship with the world. I've been trying to learn from it all and I'm constantly processing what has happened. I would have thought I'd deal with everything a lot worse than I did actually. I remind myself it is a place of darkness, but not a black hole. I've always been a worrier, prone to feeling anxious and not dealing gracefully with a lack of control. You don't choose grief but you can choose to try your best. This experience has forced me to understand myself better. I've had to accept that I can't plan or worry about things because things will happen as they happen. Sometimes it will break your heart and make you question your reality. Still you go on.  

From the beginning there has been a large part of my existence that has been completely consumed with this. Just because I don't talk about it, or be sad in a manner that's typically expected doesn't mean it isn't there. Every one of my moments during this experience has been through the lens of this illness and of an impending loss. At first I was sad for myself - that I was losing my mother. Then it turned into a pain I had never felt before. One that made me feel so helpless because I couldn't do anything to make it better for someone else. She will not get to see our lives unfold. She won't get to see her grandkids and they will not get to feel her love. My parents won't grow old together. This type of pain makes you feel so alive, but so empty. I couldn't get it out of my head. I started spending as much time as I could with my mother. I called her a lot (but not enough - regrets are heavy during grief). I was petrified at what would happen to her physically and emotionally. I imagined it a lot and educated myself, but still wasn't ready when it happened. And it all happened so fast. I did my best to align myself with her strength and positivity, because that's what she deserved. Her favorite verse was 'Which of your Lord's blessings would you deny?' She would constantly thank Allah, exclaim that life is good and repeat that verse until the very end. I am blown away by this woman's courage and positivity. I often think about how much strength she has always given all of us.

It's hard to describe how all of this can always be on your mind but then there are certain moments that really just dig into you. So many WTF moments. Moments where I would suddenly get hit with this reality and it felt so surreal. My heart would cry and my stomach would sink and I had to pull myself out of it. These moments are heavy and seem to sneak up on you. These moments still exist. These moments make me accept that she is gone... over and over and over.

When she died I watched the life leave her body, and I was so calm. That first week felt so collected. That threw me off a bit. The second week it began to set in more as one by one the house emptied and the quiet crept in. The sadness came in small waves upon big memories but I could push it aside. The third and fourth week (now) is when things really started to get heavy. I've been down. I've been missing her. I've been uninspired and it's been hard to shake. My WTF moments are more often. I realize she is gone, I will never speak to her again or be annoyed with her or excitedly call her and have her enjoy listening to my mundane stories. I see her things unmoved or I have a memory of the most trivial thing. The way she sat on that chair that one time. The tiny things that didn't even seem like memories before. I'll be doing nothing or I'll be doing everything and there she is. My mind somehow manages to race through it all, the regrets and joys from as far back through her death all in a matter of minutes. Some nights I'm scared to sleep because the good dreams eventually turn bad and there's a fear the night brings. 

Somewhere in the middle of all of this I decided to share with the world. I didn't know how it would be received or how it would make me feel, I just knew that I wanted to feel like I was being real. I didn't want to only share the smiles in my life. It ended up feeling right. It made me more confident and opened me up in a new way. I didn't even imagine that my words might help give others ease and support. Hearing that sharing my story has made someone feel like they weren't alone in some sort of sadness, that I helped them to be more honest or I moved them to be closer with or more appreciative of their loved ones, is absolutely amazing.

I will never be the same again. I vow to appreciate more, take risks and to do what I can to have no regrets. I vow to be open-hearted and kind. I want to change the world. I've never before felt so much desire for every moment of my life.

The process of grieving is unique but it is always powerful. Instead of letting it frustrate you, let it strengthen you. It teaches you a lot about yourself. I think it really defines you.